Swallow Your Pain

and keep it inside

So far
You're here.
          Invading my mind.
Penetrating my dreams and every thought.
But you're not really here.
    i can't feel you.
          I can't touch you.
All the same, you touch me.
    You touch me
          in the most personal way.
          In my most personal places.
    You touch me
          Like no one else before
          Like i can't even myself
I close my eyes and it's all so real
Your words seep into the deepest corners of my head.
    Comforting me.
          Bringing me joy.
                Assuring me.
Then i open my eyes.
      See the empty space
          Feel the empty bed
You're not here.
    So far.
          Too far.
                Never close enough.
I drift back to sleep to join you until morning

I'm not that girl
I'll never be like her
I couldn't be if i tried
I'm sorry
Not in my looks
Not in my personality
Not anything
I'm not her
Maybe if i changed
Maybe if i lived a lie
Maybe you could love me
Maybe not
A lost cause
A hopeless dream
A battle defeated
I wasn't meant to be

Is this you?
Who are you?
Who have you become?
This is not the you i know
This is not the you i love
I don't think i like it
You've changed.
Maybe deep down insde
Maybe this is really you
I guess i didn't know you
I guess i fooled myself
I don't think i like it
You've changed.

Your prize
The walls were not to keep people out
They were only a test
Guess what? You passed.
They were to see if anyone cared
Cared enough to tear them down
Congratulations. You did.
Look, you get a prize for your efforts
My broken heart beyond repair
Don't like? Too bad.
I think you should give up on me now
Everyone else does in the end
Go. Just leave.

The railing no longer holds me back
I can do whatever i want to do
Be whatever i want to be

I could fly if i wanted
Be like the seagulls overhead
Soar with outstreached wings

The rain falling in my face as i sit
Legs dangling over the edge
Passing cars roar under my feet

What has my life been thus far?
What has it been worth?
A series of mistakes, no more, no less

What do i have to lose?
What do i have to gain?
I'll do what i think is best


You haven't seen the real me
No one really knows
I have been bottled up
Try not to let it show
I'm not your perfect angel
Not who you think i've been
I'm tired of playing games
That no one's gonna win

Look in the mirror
I look in the mirror and see your face
Melted together with mine
The hurt and sorrow in your eyes
The eyes that were once divine
I look in the mirror and see a monster
The reason for all your pain
I'm no longer human to you
A creature without a name
I look in the mirror and don't know what i see
Don't know who i really am
The girl staring back - what i am inside
Is not what's shown to man
I look in the mirror and all i feel is pain
The hurt that i left with you
Yet your face is a constant reminder
A reminder that your love was all i knew
I look in the mirror, the finger printed glass
Marks left from hands untamed
My heart is not much different
Made with glass and your print remains

This poem was in response to "tell me" written by a friend.

The wall
Staring at the long black wall
Countless names etched in stone
Families come from near and far
Knowing their loved ones won't come home
Some leave flags
Some leave a rose
No matter who you are
In your heart a feeling grows
It's a feeling of gratitude
A feeling of thanks
There's sorrow and grief
As tears run down your face
Men and women so young
So many more years to live
To better the world
They gave everything they had to give
Thry did this for others
They fought for what was right
Putting their lives on the line
Fighting day and night

Cold, silver, gleaming in the light
Warm, soft, hold me through the night
We meet once again after 6 months gone
A forbidden love, it seemed so long
I long for your touch, it steadies me yet
Comforts me when i've lost it all, my best bet
I test you now, run you under my thumb
The sharp pain, i'm suddenly numb
You've left your mark, it's growing hot
If people find out what we've done, all will be lost
I tried to stay away but the temptation far too great
You were always watching me, waiting for me to hate
You knew i'd come back not able to resist
You were right and still you persist
I'll find another way, a better way still
A way that's not gonna hurt me, not against my will

What she wants
Chewed up and spit back out
Left to face this world
Her internal battle will not be won
But could end with few words
Torn between what's right and what she wants
This is nothing new
She's let it go on for far too long
Lost as to what to do
She only has one to talk to
That's the one she must leave
Her shame keeps her from crying out
Even so, they won't believe
She's always been a good girl
Make everyone around her proud
Yet this darkness that she's living with
Is looming like a cloud
How can something that she knows is wrong
Feel oh, so right
The screams and confusion from inside
Keep her up through the night


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